I used to get really fired up and angry when telemarketers would call. I’d answer, hear the long pause with the sound of dozens of other telemarketers in the background and eventually hear someone mispronounce my last name. I am a polite person so I would let them get out the beginning of their pitch and politely say “I am not interested”. Of course, they are instructed to continue their spiel, at which point I would fly off the handle and start yelling at them. Sometimes I would have a little sick fun with it and give them a bunch of shit about being such a loser that they had to do this for a living. “Can’t you get a respectable job like cleaning toilets or something?” This may seem cruel, but my thinking was this: if everyone verbally abused the callers, eventually nobody would take the job. Probably not effective, but it felt good and was a good stress reliever. Now that I am on the Do Not Call list, it doesn’t happen too often, but when it does I have some much more healthy methods of dealing with telemarketers and entertaining myself that I’d like to share with you.
- Put the kids on the phone
This was one of my favorites when my kids were toddlers. It started when my then 2 year old daughter was having a rather loud tantrum and I answered the phone. When the telemarketer asked to speak with me, I said “sure, hang on” and handed the phone to my daughter. She was a bit confused because the phone usually meant grandma or something fun. So there was a moment of silence before she started screaming even louder right into the phone. Mission accomplished! Even if the kids aren’t having a tantrum, toddlers love to talk on the phone and can keep a telemarketer busy. It is a complete waste of time for the caller and entertains the kids. - Be happy to speak with them
Treat them like an old friend or like they are your new best friend and you are extremely lonely. When they ask “How are you doing today, sir/madame?”, tell them about your day, what you have been up to for the last year or two, a list of medical problems, what has been happening on your favorite reality show, etc. Better still, tell them in vivid detail all about the amazing bowel movement you had that morning. I like to make a game of it and see just how long they will put up with it. - Ask questions
I don’t mean ask them about what they are selling, I mean ask them how THEY are doing. Ask them if they are on Facebook and if they’ll friend you. Ask them if they are into Twitter and how many followers they have. Ask where there favorite vacation spot is. Get personal – ask about their family, relationships, how they like talking to so many new people every day “gee, that must be so much FUN!”. - Barter
“Ill tell you what. I have this collection of Transformers Burger King kids meal toys I was going to put on eBay, but I will let you have those in exchange for your product, OK?” - Borrow
Let them go through their whole script, say yes to everything. Hopefully you will waste a lot of their time doing this. When they ask for your credit card number, act extremely disappointed and beg them to front you the money. Promise to pay them back and act really desperate to get their product. - Proselytize
Wait for a good point to hit them with a “have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?” Or even better, start preaching the virtues of a less orthodox religion. One with a compound. And guns. - Phone sex
This is a personal favorite of mine. I got the idea when a female caller really did have a pretty sounding voice. She asked a question and after a long pause I said in my smoothest player voice “I’m sorry, I got a little distracted. What was your name again?” They will usually say their name again. “I’ve always liked that name”. When they start to read their script again, interrupt. “Wow – you sound really pretty. I bet you hear that all the time. I’m sorry, go on.” Let them get to the next stopping point where you are supposed to say “yes that does sound interesting” and instead ask “what are you wearing?” This will probably catch them off guard, so be prepared to apologize with something pathetic about being really lonely since your spouse passed away. But don’t stop! Flirt hard! Ask where they are calling from and say things like “it’s a shame we aren’t closer” or start talking about how you sometimes travel there on business and would love to meet up for drinks or dinner. I’ve had lots of fun with this and had a young woman audibly blushing when I told her how her voice made me tingle. Occasional heavy breathing or very soft moans “mmm yeahs” or muffled grunts can be very effective if you really want to work the phone sex angle. Act like the details of insurance policy, mortgage, credit protector program or whatever are really getting you hot.
If the Do Not Call list isn’t keeping the telemarketers away, start having fun with them. You will be much happier and, you’ll give them an interesting break from a really shitty job.
You don’t have to do those things they are just doing their jobs, you know.It is better to be honest than be a pervy on the phone.
Honest?!! They are not honest with the people they call, so why should they get better than they give?
I have tried being honest and politely saying “no”, and they would not leave me alone – even with the Do Not Call Lists. Sorry – if they can’t follow the law, respect my privacy, and respect my request to not be bothered, then why shouldn’t I give them a hard time?
“Just doing their job”?! If their job is to harass people, then they deserve much worse than the silliness I give them. If they don’t like it, they can get a better job than being paid to lie to people.